Resources

Resources to support your coaching journey

Inner Critic

We can borrow a useful framework derived from the work of psychologist, Albert Ellis, to help us get to know and get around our inner critic. ABCDE is used in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and helps us understand the who, when, why and what of that inner voice which wants to keep us safe but may be holding us back.

A: Activating Event

(what kind of situation fires up your inner critic?)

B: Beliefs

(what do you tell yourself when you are in that situation?)

C: Consequences

(what happens to your body and behaviour when you think those thoughts?)

D: Disputing Statements

(what is more true and more helpful to think than what the inner critic is saying to you in B?)

E: Effective Approaches

(building stronger association with more helpful and truer thoughts)

Think of a time when your inner critic was sparked and you began to focus on unhelpful thinking such as "I'm not good enough; I'll get found out". What exactly were you saying to yourself and what tone did that voice have? Give that voice a name that is meaningful. Notice what happens in your body when that voice is loud. Breathing is your friend here to calm the nervous system and return your physiology to a calmer mode.

What is both more true and more helpful to think rather than the voice of the inner critic? Notice how those thoughts make you feel.

THINKING TRAPS

There a number of common thinking traps that people fall into from time to time. They are called 'common' thinking traps precisely because they are familiar to many people.

Knowing our own tendencies to follow one or a number of these patterns of thought helps us spot when we are defaulting to less effective thinking. From awareness, we can build alternative and more helpful perspectives.

Which do you recognise?

All or nothing thinking (things are perfect or a failure)
Personalisation (everything people say and do is related to you)
Catastrophising (leaping to worst case scenarios)
Magnification / minimisation (making things seem bigger or smaller than they actually are)
Filtering (taking the negative details and magnifying them while filtering out positive aspects)
Fortune telling (predicting the future)
Shoulds, oughts, can’ts and musts (beliefs about what should or can’t be done, often ingrained since childhood)
Over-generalisation (something happens once and you expect it to happen over and over again)
Mind reading (you assume you know what people are thinking or feeling and why they act the way they do)

Full house? A couple of really relevant ones? One that stands out as acutely pertinent? You're not alone. Notice the next time this trap is at work and try out an alternative narrative.

SAYING 'NO'

People often say they are terrible at saying 'no'. But when we examine things more closely, we can see they are actually very good at saying 'no'...to the things they want to say 'yes' to.

It's helpful to think of 'yes' and 'no' as two sides of the same coin. When we say 'yes' to something, we are likely to be saying 'no' to something else and vice versa. When we say 'yes' to taking more more on, we often over-estimate our capacity and kid ourselves it's got an insignificant knock-on impact until we feel over-stretched and under-resourced.

When you say 'yes' to an additional project, last minute requests, too many client dinners or school related responsibilities, you will be saying 'no' to something else. Consider a time you said 'yes' to something you didn't want or feel able to take on. What did it mean saying 'no' to?

Was it time with the family? Some vital recovery time in the evening or weekend for you? Exercise? Time with friends? Doing things that make you happy? Working on your own promotion proposal?....

Being clear on our non-negotiables is a start to helping us filter out what we say 'yes' and 'no' to. What are your non-negotiables?

If the answer to something needs to be 'no', consider how you can say it politely, firmly, non-apologetically and in a timely way.

CAREER SMARTS

In the busy-ness of work and possibly family too, it is easy to lose sight of how we are resourcing ourselves to achieve our career goals. Building your own personal Board of Directors is a great way to ensure you are investing energy in your career planning and development.

There are a different versions of the concept of a Board of Directors but here are 7 key roles you can fill to resource you with career conversations, good thinking, connections and sound counsel.

Coach (not necessarily a professional one; someone who listens and asks you brilliant questions that really make you think)
Cheerleader (your biggest fan, they have your back, they offer that shot of positivity when it seems hard to find)
Connector (they know everyone and, if they don’t know someone, they probably know someone who does. Natural relationship builders, well-networked and outward-looking)
Collaborator (solid peer, you often end up working on things together, great at additive and productive 'test and learn' thinking)
Counsellor (not necessarily a professional one; a person who is there for you when you need to share what’s really on your heart and mind and they are ok with you showing emotion and vulnerability)
Champion (different from the cheerleader; someone who is both willing and able to sponsor your career, name you in the right kind of meetings, sing your praises with the right people and put forward the case for you)
Critical Friend (not necessarily a friend; someone you trust to be honest and challenge your thinking in a helpful way. You don’t go to them for emotional support but they say it like it is even it's painful)

Firstly, identify where you already have the role filled but perhaps didn't realise it. Then identify the gaps where you need someone to operate in that capacity for you. Then consider who you can ask to fulfil that role or recommend someone who could. Think about the diversity of experience, thought, approach and background that will be most helpful.